hmm, whats new? other than being in love with a boy that i plan on spending the rest of my life with?

Russell Skinder. -sigh-

nothing. confusion i guess. having feelings for people other than him. only one other person though. im not going to say his name, in fear of someone reading this and telling him...

i've been talking about him daily, to friends, to neighbors. one of my neighbors, shes an adult, married, one daughter. she acts like shes my age though, so i tell her things i dont tell anyone. when i was dating...this boy, she told me that when i talked about him, it seemed like i was so unbelievably in love with him. that when i talked about him, my face just lit up and my eyes just got all big and excited by just thinking about him. and the way i talked, like i was so amazed that someone could be so perfect, like he was a god in my eyes, like he was all i needed, like a drug. and i just blabbed on and on and on about how perfect he was and what great things he did. i laughed when she told me this, because it felt like it was such a long time ago, when really...it was only a few months ago.

its amazing what can change in a matter of moments.

and so, when me and my neighbor had this conversation,  it made me think...A LOT. i went home and i thought about it for days and days. i've come to the conclusion that i love him. but its not in the "im so in love with you, i wanna get married and make babies" kinda love. its completely different. its the "i cant live without you" kinda love. and i know i cant because i've tried. when we broke up, i instantly hooked up with the closest guy i could find, locked myself in my room for months, got so depressed i stopped eating. i was so dramatic! i giggle at the thought of it, but it hurt. when i knew i couldnt mope around like that forever, i started hanging out with new people, new friends, new everything, basically...erasing all the memories we had out of my memory. it worked, but in the back of my mind, he was there and he would always be there...

since im telling so much secrets, i might as well not stop there.

you know when you watch love movies or read love stories, and the girl says how there were such sparks when they kissed, her knees would get weak and she stopped breathing and everything got blurry. i never felt that way...until him.

its so wierd, like, there werent any intense passionate kisses that went on between us, they were just quick kisses, the longest was probably 7 seconds, ha. but the feeling...ugh, i cant even put it into words, its too complicated. let just say, that if he wasnt holding me when we kissed, id probably fall to the ground.=]

but hmm, trying to put it into words. there was this one time that we kissed, he was walking me to my door, he stopped by the stairs and looked at me. not like "you're so sexy" kinda look but..."you're so beautiful" kinda look. and he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me, and he just stood there pressing his lips against mine, and then he dipped me, like they do in the movies. lmao. oh my god, my knees gave out on me, i dont think he even noticed. i will never, never ever ever forget that kiss because it was the most amazing kiss i ever had.(even though it lasted about 7 seconds.)

alright, im done ranting about someone who doesnt even belong to me.

sorry everybody really. for annoying everyone lol.

Goodnighttt.<3

p.s.

oh my god Sean, i miss you like crazyyyyyyyyyyy.

im at my dads now. all i hear is the Little Rascals and sirens from outside. im alone in this dark room with nothing better to do then write a stupid blog about whats been going on lately. and frankly, i have no writing skills whatsoever lately. or maybe, i just never had any writing skills, idk. anyway. theres this boy...i dont even know where to start with him.

i tell him everything. he knows so much about me, and i've told him every wierd moment thats occurred in my life and he still treats me the same. its like, no matter what i tell him, he'll still be there for me. its a great feeling. theres this thing with me, where i can only be myself around certain people because im afraid that other people wont like the real me. a lot of times, i pretend to be someone im not just so people will be interested and want to be my friend. i know, its a pretty bad thing to do. but just recently ive stopped doing that.

this boy, he makes me okay with myself. like, being me is good enough. like, people will like me for who i am. he makes me feel so great and he doesnt even know it. ive been soooo anti social lately. i cant talk on the phone with anyone anymore. it annoys me. and i ignore every IM i get. i feel like the only reason im ever online is so i can talk to him. i havent spoken to anyone else in so long. its so wierd, only being able to talk to one person so much. and im not even tired of him, its like i cant get enough of him.

and i keep having these premonitions about him. as if, we're going to be together in the future, soon. but i highly doubt it. i doubt all my premonitions about him because he doesnt like me that way and i know it for a fact, or else he wouldnt be planning on doing stuff with another girl. and im not going to do that with him so he will be satisfied with me and stay. im not like that. and i kinda hate how im not like that, how i cant make the first move or anything and neither can he. so we're just not doing anything about our feelings.

sometimes, i feel like he really does like me and other times, i dont think so at all. but ive come to the conclusion that he doesnt, because like i said, he wouldnt be planning to do stuff with someone else if he liked me. sooo hmm, another boy who doesnt like me. what else is new. well, like i told courtney, im done with boys. ive given up. souuunndddsss good to me. i knew this was gonna happen.